Sunday, October 7, 2007

rock of yawn


alright, y'all. i just watched the rock of love:reunion show.

yawn.

oh, i'm sorry. i totally just fell asleep.

what a BORE. i nearly started vacuuming again just to feel like the earth was still spinning on its axis. i've watched paint drying with more interest. my disappointment in this show is so overwhelming, i'm nearly at a loss for words. nearly. so i'll order my thoughts in list form:

1. riki rachtman as the host. really, ricky? really? this is what you're doing now? hosting the rock of love reunion show? you went from hosting headbanger's ball to the reunion show for rock of love? and your quips. oh, riki. i'd like to punch you in the face for your "quips". when lacey and heather put aside their feud and hug as friends for the show, you chirp with a sickened look on your face "why don't you two hug and make out?" honestly, riki. i've heard 14 year old boys with more pride and better commenting skills. eesh. i feel BAD for you. i honestly do. between you doing this and kurt loder wearing as much eyeliner as john cusack, i can truly admit that i've lost all respect for the old guard of mtv.

2. here's what the vh1 webpage for rock of love says about this episode:
It's reunion time and Bret has gathered all of his ladies for one more night of bawling and brawling. Two of the girls reveal that they have not only moved in together, but that they're sharing the same bed. And then things get even hotter as the girls confront the house troublemaker over past wrongs and host Riki Rachtman has to step in to save Bret from the emotional attack from one contestant who feels that she was used and then cast aside by the rocker. But the biggest sparks fly when Bret is reunited with his "Rock of Love" winner for the very first time since the finale 6 months ago.

a] i must have passed out during the two girls revealing that they're lovers. totally missed that. but i'll tell you this: i saw nothing hot about the confrontation of lacey. it was basically a total publicity stunt for her: her lame band played and she jumped around in tight black hot pants and shrieked about shallow girls. i mean, if she lives off of her investments [as her dad explained in the parents' visit episode], then that means she can spend all of her time practicing her craft, yes? then it should stand to reason that she shouldn't be this bad, yes? ok. just checking.

b] riki didn't have to step nowhere for nothing. i'm assuming this is referring to heather and bret's meeting. there was no emotional attack. unless by emotional attack you mean 'hanging out and giggling about corn nuts' because that's pretty much what happened. it was like the time wyatt and his friend from college who he'd fallen out with about something stupid met up at a bar randomly in ft. lauderdale and within 15 minutes it was like no time had passed and there had been no fight. really, vh1, you're totally mis-representing this snooze fest.

c] sparks flying with bret and jes meeting up. um, yeah. no. not a one. bigger sparks have flown between me and my toenail polish. watching them "reunite" after 6 months apart was like watching my mom and her hair dresser see each other after 6 months. but with less excitement. my mom's pretty bubbly and effusive.

3. since when did men start wearing so much eyeliner? honestly. maybe i'm about 4 years behind this trend, but good god people, did dave navarro involve you all in some sort of eye make-up pyramid scheme? suddenly everywhere i look, people possessing that y chromosome are attacking their lids with kohl. crikey.

4. jes and bret's meeting. wow. nothing. she told him he made a mistake and he should have picked heather. and you know what? on any other show this revelation [or an equivalent] would've had me on the phone with audrey. when jes said that, i kinda went 'mmmm. yes. ok.' she seemed unsurprised by the entire situation. she's a composed lass. a little TOO composed, if you ask me. her reaction was exactly like in college when i hooked up with this kid brian and we went out on a mess of dates for about 2 weeks. then, i went to london for a semester abroad with audrey. i got back, totally disinterested in him: i'd been to london, had sobered up, developed a taste for british lads, had sobered up and returned to school months later totally over poor brian. and so when we ran into each other at the student union, i wasn't all that excited to see him. i was a little cold, a little stand-offish, a little disinterested, a little like...jes.

5. i swear i've seen every single one of these clips. are they saving the best un-aired stuff for the dvd? because i gotta tell you, if i never hear every rose has its thorn again it'll be too soon, so the impetus to buy the show dvd is pretty much nil here. give me something better, vh1! show me that you're good at this reality thing. you're all about celebreality, right? show me what you got! what happened to the surreal life? that was juicy! that was scandalous! this is...oh. what? huh? it appears i fell asleep again just THINKING about rock of love: reunion.

6. do big john and bret look especially rough? no, really, do they? also, what does big john do in real life? was that ever explained? is he really bret's main guy? i kinda like him, like i liked the bald bouncer on jerry springer. like him in a 'if he showed up at my house i'd let him fix my dripping faucet' kind of way.

7. really, does anyone know how to fix a leaky faucet?

just recapping this has bored me to a near-catatonic state. sigh. looks like bret's comeback show kinda fizzled out. much like poison...

No comments: