rock of yawn

alright, y'all. i just watched the rock of love:reunion show.

yawn.

oh, i'm sorry. i totally just fell asleep.

what a BORE. i nearly started vacuuming again just to feel like the earth was still spinning on its axis. i've watched paint drying with more interest. my disappointment in this show is so overwhelming, i'm nearly at a loss for words. nearly. so i'll order my thoughts in list form:

1. riki rachtman as the host. really, ricky? really? this is what you're doing now? hosting the rock of love reunion show? you went from hosting headbanger's ball to the reunion show for rock of love? and your quips. oh, riki. i'd like to punch you in the face for your "quips". when lacey and heather put aside their feud and hug as friends for the show, you chirp with a sickened look on your face "why don't you two hug and make out?" honestly, riki. i've heard 14 year old boys with more pride and better commenting skills. eesh. i feel BAD for you. i honestly do. between you doing this and kurt loder wearing as much eyeliner as john cusack, i can truly admit that i've lost all respect for the old guard of mtv.

2. here's what the vh1 webpage for rock of love says about this episode:
It's reunion time and Bret has gathered all of his ladies for one more night of bawling and brawling. Two of the girls reveal that they have not only moved in together, but that they're sharing the same bed. And then things get even hotter as the girls confront the house troublemaker over past wrongs and host Riki Rachtman has to step in to save Bret from the emotional attack from one contestant who feels that she was used and then cast aside by the rocker. But the biggest sparks fly when Bret is reunited with his "Rock of Love" winner for the very first time since the finale 6 months ago.

a] i must have passed out during the two girls revealing that they're lovers. totally missed that. but i'll tell you this: i saw nothing hot about the confrontation of lacey. it was basically a total publicity stunt for her: her lame band played and she jumped around in tight black hot pants and shrieked about shallow girls. i mean, if she lives off of her investments [as her dad explained in the parents' visit episode], then that means she can spend all of her time practicing her craft, yes? then it should stand to reason that she shouldn't be this bad, yes? ok. just checking.

b] riki didn't have to step nowhere for nothing. i'm assuming this is referring to heather and bret's meeting. there was no emotional attack. unless by emotional attack you mean 'hanging out and giggling about corn nuts' because that's pretty much what happened. it was like the time wyatt and his friend from college who he'd fallen out with about something stupid met up at a bar randomly in ft. lauderdale and within 15 minutes it was like no time had passed and there had been no fight. really, vh1, you're totally mis-representing this snooze fest.

c] sparks flying with bret and jes meeting up. um, yeah. no. not a one. bigger sparks have flown between me and my toenail polish. watching them "reunite" after 6 months apart was like watching my mom and her hair dresser see each other after 6 months. but with less excitement. my mom's pretty bubbly and effusive.

3. since when did men start wearing so much eyeliner? honestly. maybe i'm about 4 years behind this trend, but good god people, did dave navarro involve you all in some sort of eye make-up pyramid scheme? suddenly everywhere i look, people possessing that y chromosome are attacking their lids with kohl. crikey.

4. jes and bret's meeting. wow. nothing. she told him he made a mistake and he should have picked heather. and you know what? on any other show this revelation [or an equivalent] would've had me on the phone with audrey. when jes said that, i kinda went 'mmmm. yes. ok.' she seemed unsurprised by the entire situation. she's a composed lass. a little TOO composed, if you ask me. her reaction was exactly like in college when i hooked up with this kid brian and we went out on a mess of dates for about 2 weeks. then, i went to london for a semester abroad with audrey. i got back, totally disinterested in him: i'd been to london, had sobered up, developed a taste for british lads, had sobered up and returned to school months later totally over poor brian. and so when we ran into each other at the student union, i wasn't all that excited to see him. i was a little cold, a little stand-offish, a little disinterested, a little like...jes.

5. i swear i've seen every single one of these clips. are they saving the best un-aired stuff for the dvd? because i gotta tell you, if i never hear every rose has its thorn again it'll be too soon, so the impetus to buy the show dvd is pretty much nil here. give me something better, vh1! show me that you're good at this reality thing. you're all about celebreality, right? show me what you got! what happened to the surreal life? that was juicy! that was scandalous! this is...oh. what? huh? it appears i fell asleep again just THINKING about rock of love: reunion.

6. do big john and bret look especially rough? no, really, do they? also, what does big john do in real life? was that ever explained? is he really bret's main guy? i kinda like him, like i liked the bald bouncer on jerry springer. like him in a 'if he showed up at my house i'd let him fix my dripping faucet' kind of way.

7. really, does anyone know how to fix a leaky faucet?

just recapping this has bored me to a near-catatonic state. sigh. looks like bret's comeback show kinda fizzled out. much like poison...

postcard #5

so you might, and rightly so, wonder "bex, if you love going home so much, why don't you just stay home?" because, dear mysterious reader [and little voice in my head], then it wouldn't be so fun to go home.

granted, my frequent flier miles are building up, and granted, since x and i broke up i've been heading home much more frequently, but i think that there's no other place like nsb to lick one's wounds.

have i been licking my wounds too much?

eh. maybe.

but you know what? i was with the man for 4 f'ing years. 4 f'ing years and he hasn't had the decency to email me back [i emailed and snail mailed him a birthday card] and let me remind you - it was his idea to break up. so it's not like he hates me because i'm evil and all sorts of terrible and i've ruined his manhood or anything. no, he still looks like the big bad boy who ditched the girl who was "holding him back" and oh...lord. i really am having a problem letting this go.

and i think i'm not supposed to be so open with the fact that i was pretty much dumped.

audrey and i ate way too much fried seafood because that's what we do and my grandmother took us to bells because that's what she does and then audrey and i went to the mall because it was literally 4000 degrees outside.

if you've never been to the volusia county mall, i can only tell you that you're missing out on some serious insight into the psyche of today's american teenager. granted, part of audrey and my love of going to the mall is the fact that we go by the speedway and the reason the speedway is so meaningful is because when audrey was 12 she swore that she would be married there during the daytona 500.

she did. i don't really remember when her love of the daytona 500 started, but it probably began as abruptly as it ended, so that i only remember that one day when she told me that my bridesmaid gown would have racing stripes on it and that the reception would feature slushees [cherry] and popcorn [cheddar flavored] and it all seemed very logical to me at the time and now that we look back on that neither one of us can remember what in god's name she was thinking.

because she's neither a fan of cherry slushees or cheddar flavored popcorn. i, though, am still a fan of a bridesmaid dress with racing stripes. though at audrey's elegant wedding, i wore a navy blue strapless gown and these beautiful earrings i bought myself at the union square holiday market the christmas before and she looked stunning and we all danced for about 4 hours to a wonderful wonderful band. that's the only wedding i've ever cried at.

anyway, i had a wonderful time at home but it's wonderful to be back here though stavros is acting like i'm the worst cat parent ever [i am] and has been shunning me for approximately 3 hours now. which might be disturbing were it not so funny.

now that my cubicle has been moved [well, the cubicle wasn't moved, i was moved to a new cubicle] and i am no longer in a direct foot traffic path, i think i'll be able to blog more effectively from the office. i'm also trying to teach myself html, remembering that w once told me that html was handy to have, especially since i've got a lovely 'eye' for design [oh what men will tell you when they're trying to get your pants off], and i think perhaps he was right.

sadly, though, kim and i no longer sit near each other, and she can't im me because her new manager is over-the-top-controlling and we have to meet in the bathroom for tryst-like gossip sessions.

honestly, when you think about it, the workplace in all its modern wonder and facist tendencies is forcing us to act like we're back in high school.

at least where i work. but i bet it's no different where you work.

postcard #1

i had this dream where i received postcards one after the other, numbered, from different places all over the world. because it was a dream, i couldn't quite read who they were from, but each one thrilled me and calmed me at the same time. i kept each one in a wooden box that i knew was a cigar box, but couldn't have been since it was a little bit larger than a shoe box. when i woke up i felt both lost and excited. i became fascinated with postcards that day. i was twelve.

so much can be said on a postcard. it's a small space, but with the picture on the one side, so much can be said with just a few words. i once made this grand statement, and i'm paraphrasing here, that if you need more than a postcard, then you need a phone call.

i've been known to send multiple postcards, never numbered. i'm annoying that way.

i recently went home to visit family and to see audrey. we went to deleon state park and ate at the little restaurant there. we made banana pancakes at our table [it's like a fondue place, or a shabu shabu place, except you get a pitcher of pancake batter, the extra of your choice - think fruit, chocolate chips - and you cook the pancakes on your table top hot griddle]. i had four cups of coffee and only burned myself mildly, which is a record for me. in the gift shop there were delightful gee gaws and tacky overpriced t-shirts, but i bought eight postcards. i sent a few to audrey [of course] and have kept the rest in the box i keep under my bed. it's not wooden and it doesn't smell like cigars like the one in my dream. it's plastic and i got it at bed, bath and beyond for $4.99. it was on sale and i couldn't resist. i bought four of them.

you never know when you need a plastic box. if the east village ever floods and is under water [as meteorologists keep theorizing will happen should there be a particularly strong nor'easter or a hurricane in these parts], i will be able to save many things by shoving them into these boxes and pretending that they're water tight and buoyant.

buoyancy. i guess we've all got to have some sort of buoyancy in this world, right? we get dumped, laid off, lost, confused and if we can't bob to the surface each time, then we sink. and then we're sunk.

i am attempting buoyancy.